I hear these words daily.
I think about this daily.
If you know me well, you will know how desperate I am to have another baby. In fact, you don’t even need to know me that well, if you have me on my personal facebook page you will see me constantly tagging Steve in posts about wanting another baby. Our eldest daughter Lilly every day will say that she wants mummy to have a baby in her tummy, that she wants another baby sister or a new baby brother. I know I already have two beautiful girls, and its definitely not about wanting to try for a boy. I just want another baby. I just want to be pregnant again, I want to have a baby bump again, I want to feel my little baby kick inside me, I want to meet my new baby for the first time, I want a new member of our little family. But my husband say’s no. He doesn’t want another baby, not yet anyway.
Obviously family get involved and give their opinions, “Why do you want another baby Zoe? Two is enough!” “In this day and age, two kids is expensive enough.” “You know, you’re not guaranteed a boy”. It’s my fault, because I’m so open about this. I’m not writing this so that my husband sees it and feels sorry for me or whatever- it needs to be a family decision. Other mums often tell me to just come off of my birth control and just have an ‘accident’ but I couldn’t live with the guilt of tricking my husband. He does want other kids, just not ‘right now’ as he says.
“I know that this is hard for you, but I’m glad you’re managing to be happy for them.”
I would never begrudge anybody their baby. Whenever any of my family members or friends tell me that they are pregnant, I am delighted for them! I am always so over the moon, super excited and happy for them. I love being pregnant and having babies, I know what they are away to go through and how amazing and life changing it is. Why wouldn’t I be happy for them? Yes I wish I was pregnant too, but it doesn’t make me any less happy or excited for them.
I know how hard it is, bringing up children. With Steve working silly amounts and permanent nightshift for basically the girls whole lives until 6 weeks ago- I have done all of the difficult stuff alone. Steve worked all night 6 nights a week and slept all day. We’ve had one day together as a family a week since Lilly was born. I did all the night feeds all of the time, I got up with both kids myself when P was born. I’m not worried about any of that, I haven’t had a proper full nights sleep for years (apart from our three childfree nights away in nearly four years.). What’s one more baby? What’s being up one or two more times a night? My children are my life. They totally consume me, they are all I think about and spend my days dreaming about our family. But something is still missing.
I have two beautiful, gorgeous little girls. They are everything to me, and with the really difficult year that we have been through, they have been the reason that I carried on. But I just don’t feel like my heart is full. I still long for another baby. I’m happiest when I’m pregnant. My children bring me so much joy, I would just love one more baby to complete our family.
I try to make light of the situation and laugh about things, because I guess if I didn’t, I would cry. I know how lucky I am with my two girls. But I still long for one more.